"Suicide is selfish"

"Excuse me?"

"Suicide is selfish. People that kill themselves are doing it without regards of others. It's a very selfish act."

I looked to the corner. To my feet. Back to her. I could just let this slide. I know where she's coming from. Just let it slide.

"No. In the mind of a suicidal person, it's a selfless act. They're feeling so much pain and constantly seeking help from friends that they feel like they're a burden on others."

"A burden on others? Like the suicidal person is such a burden on a person? That's narcissism. Thinking that you have that much power over someone. If the suicidal person feels like they're such a burden, they could just go to the other room. There's no need to kill themselves."

"I don't think you understand. A suicidal person believes that the world would be a better place without them. They literally are doing it because they hurt so much that they don't want to spread their hurt to others. No one likes a constant downer, and they know that. In the illogical logic of depression the burden they put on others outweighs the sadness they'll cause, because they think the world will be better off. In their head, they're making a self-sacrifice."

"Times up. Sorry. We'll start it up again here next session."

Stand up. Open door. Polite wave. Leave.

-----

Selfish...

Is that what I was being? Was I just thinking about me and how much I just wanted the confusion and pain to stop? Not entirely.

While opening my window, unlatching the screen, letting it fall with a quiet *clank*, I thought: Their life would be so much better without me. They wouldn't have to deal with this fucked up little burden. They don't even seem to care so it wouldn't really make much difference. My parents wouldn't have had to stay together because of me and probably lived a better life.

While walking down the road, staring at passing headlights, I thought: What's the point of relationships? They just break down. People split up. Spouses get divorced. Friends forget. Everything passes, and eventually no one will miss me. I'm sure of it. My friends will be better off. They don't need me whining about my break up or my parents divorce. I'm a burden to them.

While staring at the bottle full of medication on my desk, I thought: You whine to people too much. You're also an unproductive member of society now. Is there really a point to keep going? You're not only a burden to your friends who listen to you bitch, but also to your family who you still leech. You're not getting this job, or that one. Just give up. The world will be a better place.

I snapped out of it.

"I love you, son"

"Let's go play Frisbee"

"Go volunteer and enjoy the little things in life"

No. These people will miss me. I can't do this to them. I may be a burden right now, but that's only temporary. I chose to stay.

A suicidal person is not selfish. They're weighing their options. They are lied to by depression. It tells them that they're a burden and that they'll forever be a burden. It tells them that no one will miss them, so might as well do it. It tells them that they'll never amount to anything or affect anyone in a positive way. They don't want others to hurt. They don't want others to be brought down by them. They're so out of touch with themselves that they can only think about how they're a bother to other people. They want to just disappear along with their pain.

Many don't snap out of it.

-----

A passer by only sees one side of the balance, and not the weight provided by depression. Calling a suicidal person selfish only feeds depression. "Of course, I know I'm selfish. I'm a horrible person. That's why I don't want to be here any more." Memories of broken logic...

I sighed as I got into my car. This therapy isn't helping that much. The next session will probably be my last.