Wednesday, August 13, 2014

"Suicide is selfish"

"Excuse me?"

"Suicide is selfish. People that kill themselves are doing it without regards of others. It's a very selfish act."

I looked to the corner. To my feet. Back to her. I could just let this slide. I know where she's coming from. Just let it slide.

"No. In the mind of a suicidal person, it's a selfless act. They're feeling so much pain and constantly seeking help from friends that they feel like they're a burden on others."

"A burden on others? Like the suicidal person is such a burden on a person? That's narcissism. Thinking that you have that much power over someone. If the suicidal person feels like they're such a burden, they could just go to the other room. There's no need to kill themselves."

"I don't think you understand. A suicidal person believes that the world would be a better place without them. They literally are doing it because they hurt so much that they don't want to spread their hurt to others. No one likes a constant downer, and they know that. In the illogical logic of depression the burden they put on others outweighs the sadness they'll cause, because they think the world will be better off. In their head, they're making a self-sacrifice."

"Times up. Sorry. We'll start it up again here next session."

Stand up. Open door. Polite wave. Leave.

-----

Selfish...

Is that what I was being? Was I just thinking about me and how much I just wanted the confusion and pain to stop? Not entirely.

While opening my window, unlatching the screen, letting it fall with a quiet *clank*, I thought: Their life would be so much better without me. They wouldn't have to deal with this fucked up little burden. They don't even seem to care so it wouldn't really make much difference. My parents wouldn't have had to stay together because of me and probably lived a better life.

While walking down the road, staring at passing headlights, I thought: What's the point of relationships? They just break down. People split up. Spouses get divorced. Friends forget. Everything passes, and eventually no one will miss me. I'm sure of it. My friends will be better off. They don't need me whining about my break up or my parents divorce. I'm a burden to them.

While staring at the bottle full of medication on my desk, I thought: You whine to people too much. You're also an unproductive member of society now. Is there really a point to keep going? You're not only a burden to your friends who listen to you bitch, but also to your family who you still leech. You're not getting this job, or that one. Just give up. The world will be a better place.

I snapped out of it.

"I love you, son"

"Let's go play Frisbee"

"Go volunteer and enjoy the little things in life"

No. These people will miss me. I can't do this to them. I may be a burden right now, but that's only temporary. I chose to stay.

A suicidal person is not selfish. They're weighing their options. They are lied to by depression. It tells them that they're a burden and that they'll forever be a burden. It tells them that no one will miss them, so might as well do it. It tells them that they'll never amount to anything or affect anyone in a positive way. They don't want others to hurt. They don't want others to be brought down by them. They're so out of touch with themselves that they can only think about how they're a bother to other people. They want to just disappear along with their pain.

Many don't snap out of it.

-----

A passer by only sees one side of the balance, and not the weight provided by depression. Calling a suicidal person selfish only feeds depression. "Of course, I know I'm selfish. I'm a horrible person. That's why I don't want to be here any more." Memories of broken logic...

I sighed as I got into my car. This therapy isn't helping that much. The next session will probably be my last.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

They'll have each other (SoL)

"Make sure to visit your dad from time to time. I don't like him being alone."

"I know, Oba. Have a good flight back. It was really great seeing you again."

I hugged my grandmother, my uncle, and dad. The aforementioned two would be leaving back home soon, leaving dad alone again. Sure, he gets to see the kids every other weekend. But. Just. Work. Home. Work. Home. I don't want to think about it. I need to stay away from their mess for a little while longer.

As I got in my car I let out a heavy sigh. Pulled out my phone. Contact list. "Mama."

"Hey mom, I'm in the area. Are you home? Can I come visit my brothers? Awesome. See you in a bit."

Maybe it'll be better now. Maybe she's taking better care of them. Maybe. She's raising them.

10 minute drive.

I pulled up to my old home. Let out another sigh. Preparation. Do it for them.

Time was frozen in this place. Same old lawn. Except tattered and unmaintained. Same old trampoline. Except now rusted, dismantled and cast aside. Same old unfinished patio construction. Except crumbling after 2 years of neglect. No. Time had not really stopped.

"Hi, mom." Systematically, I hugged her. Kissed her cheek. Smiled.

"Hi! Oh, did you gain a bit of weight? You look fatter. And you're still short. Why aren't you getting taller?"

Familiar knives stabbed my gut. I was already used to the pain. Brushed it off. Ignored it. No. I'm not letting this affect me any more.

"I'm here to see my brothers."

"They're in the other room."

I looked around the house as I headed to the computer room. Same place I lived in for four maybe five years. Except, different. A bit. Rundown. The power of time was ever present.

Heavy sigh. Open door. "Hey, guys!"

"FRANCO! We missed you! Do you like Halo? We've been playing watching videos online. It's great. There are big explosions. And you know Master Chief? Oh and the Arbiter..."

I'm so glad. They don't look much different than the last time I visited.

"No no. I want to know how you guys have been. How's your summer been?"

"Great. We went to a waterslide. And we've been playing video games.  And dad took us to Niagara Falls with grandma and Gusi. And my tooth fell out! And..."

Heh... I'm glad. Still kids. I laid on the ground. Hugged them both. It's been a while.

"Oh oh! Come watch this. Look it's recon armor!" They led me to an old computer. My heart sunk. Their caretaker. I guess it's an upgrade from mine.

On the screen, a Let's Play. Heavy swearing. I sighed. X'ed.

"Let's go to your room."

We walked through the tattered house. Missing ceiling panels. Dim lights. Broken bathroom. What the hell is she doing with the child support money...

We talked for a little bit more. About how Nico liked having his own room, but Diego still liked to sneak in and be with his brother. How Nico still had a couple more teeth that needed to fall out. How Diego liked to speak English more than Spanish. How cool Recon armor was. A small, nice catch up.

"I got to go now guys. It's getting late and I gotta drive back."

"Ok, bye Franco!" Big hug, and back to their caretaker.

"See yah, mom" Hug. Kiss. Smile.

"Let me walk you out."

"No no, that's fine. My car is just in the driveway."

Opened the door. She follows me.

"I just wanted to talk for a little bit."

Sigh. I guess. It really isn't all that bad, and she's my mother after all.

"When are you gonna get taller? Haha. You're also getting a little bigger."

My brow furrowed. My eyes squinted. My pace hastened. "Goodbye, mom."

"...*something*..."

"Goodbye, mom"

-----------------------------------------------------

As I got onto the highway, angry tears formed in my eyes. Let the wall hit you. It's ok. "Thinking is happening."

Those kids. Did she not learn anything raising me? Glued to a screen. Decrepit and eroding home. Constant "encouraging" shots at their self-esteem. Disgusting black water literally poured out the sink last time I visited. I don't even know if that was fixed. The ceiling? Why the fuck is the hole still there? I guess it'll be another winter where my brothers will have to be wearing coats in the house. Why are they still on youtube completely unsupervised? What are they being exposed to at such a young age? Is she still feeding them fattening crap. The same catalyst for the subsequent ridicule? How many times have I told her to stop saying that to them? How it will fucking wreck them in the future. Maybe they'd be much better off if they went with dad. Who the hell am I kidding? It'd just be a similar scenario. He would spoil them rotten. Give them everything they want to the point they won't be able to appreciate what they do have. They'd be playing games til dawn, and watching whatever the hell they want on their tablets...

But. I digress. They're not my kids. They're my brothers. I don't know how hard my parents have to work. I don't know where her finances are going. I don't know how much attention he's giving them. I'm simply projecting my experiences onto them. I may think that they'll turn out like me, but they won't. After all, they'll have me if things get ugly. But. More importantly. They'll have each other.

With that, I realized I was heading south, when I should have been going north for the past 10 minutes. I laughed at my mistake. Shook off the tears. I guess I'll give her another chance to talk next time. They'll be fine. They have each other. I should go for a bike ride before work tomorrow.